Bardock's Journal
by The Grim Wombat
Summary: Bardock starts keeping a journal of his everyday life.


This is a very random story, written in December of 1999.For no particular reason.Ah well, who said there had to be a purpose...

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Bardock's Journal

July 7, 1964

Dear Diary, 

Some guy at work stepped on my boots again.Man, I hate that...Why did I choose to work with a bunch of idiots who don't appreciate science?Oh, well.Today was a fine day for science.I invented the first ever blender with artificial intelligence.No one gets how to work it.But anyone with half as much common sense as a mushroom would see that you just tell it what to do.It even remembers how you like your smoothies, and asks you how your day was.One guy called it a "stupid blender."I blew up his face.I have to go make some macaroni and cheese for Radditz.

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July 9, 1964

Dear Diary,

Hey, I got off work yesterday because I had to take Radditz to the hospital.He threw up his macaroni and cheese.Then he broke out in hives.I took him to the doctor, and they said it was his tonsils, so he's in the hospital getting them taken out today.They also said he was diabetic.So now he can't have any sugar.Well, today at work, I had to fill in for this one really dumb guy who got his head stuck in the toilet and was rushed to the emergency room.So I had to sit around and push buttons all day, plus I had to do all my scientist stuff.But on the bright side, I'm going to have a bunch of people over tonight to play poker and drink beer.I never could when Radditz was here, because he'd always be a little snot and do the things that snotty people do.Well, that's all for today, I have to go heat some Pop-Tarts for the guests before they get here.

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September 13, 1964

Dear Diary,

Sorry for not writing for so long.I was in the hospital, recovering from getting my liver removed.One of the guys at the party said that Sailor Pluto was sexier than Sailor Neptune, but then some guy said that Sailor Jupiter was the sexiest.Then some moron said that Totoro was sexier than any sailor scout.Well, everyone got in a fight, and I tried to stop them, because I knew that if I didn't I'd have to shampoo my carpet again, and that would take away valuable money I could use to buy more bandannas.But the Totoro guy grabbed my leg and I grabbed his esophagus and I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows and so I stuck my pink Milky pen in his forehead, but before he died he had reached down my throat and pulled out my liver.Well, for some reason, I woke up in the hospital.Weird.Well, that's it for now, I guess.Radditz wants me to watch Sesame Street with him.

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September 18, 1964

Dear Diary,

Well, I just learned I have another son.Just what I needed to hear.I told the woman to pack the little turd in a ship and send him off into space, and she didn't want to.She filed for divorce, so I gotta go tomorrow.I'll tell you what happens then.

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September 19, 1964

Dear Diary,

I got the kid.Joooooooy.So then I went and packed the little turd in a spaceship MYSELF!Hah.That'll teach the brat.Well, Radditz is starting to gnaw on my kneecap.I'd better go take him to McDonalds.

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October 19, 1964

Dear Diary,

Guess what.That knucklehead Vegeta's kid was there.I figured they'd have a McDonalds at the palace, but I guess not.Well anyway, Radditz jumped into the ball pit, and just so happened to land on Prince Vegeta.So they got in a fight and somehow managed to blow up McDonalds.For some reason, I got thrown in jail for a month.Hn.I wish they would've took Radditz.

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October 21, 1964

Dear Diary,

Well, Radditz wanted me to go pick out a Halloween costume with him yesterday.I wanted him to be a demon or the Grim Reaper or something like that, but noooooo, he had to be a M&M.Well, I told him he couldn't, and he threw a fit and almost blew up the store.Guess what Radditz is going as...

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October 26, 1964

Dear Diary,

I guess it wasn't enough for Radditz to go as an M&M.No, we had to throw a Halloween party, too.So I just finished getting the house set up.I guess that's what we'll be doing the night before Halloween.Pain in the butt if you ask me.

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October 31, 1964

Dear Diary, 

Well, it's morning.Radditz's going trick-or-treating tonight.The party went very badly.Please, he said.It won't be any trouble, he said.I'll set the house up myself, he said.I won't invite any gangsters or chainsaw murderers, he said.Hah.Radditz said he was only inviting a couple of friends of his from his 1st grade class.Turns out every single one of the 985 kids in the school was there.And there wasn't enough candy to go around, so I had to go to the mini-mart and pick up 600 bags of Tootsie Rolls and 200 bags of Sweet Tarts.When I got back, there were those 13 chainsaw murderers he'd promised not to invite.They were having a grand old time, dancing to that "groovy" music Radditz loves so much.Well, turns out some fat kid ate too many Tootsie Rolls and threw up all over the floor.Had to clean that up.Well, then there was a knock at the door, and before I could tell him not to get it, 28 men in pinstripe suits and really big gangster hats were sitting on the couch smoking cigars.I figured things couldn't get any worse, so I just went to bed.Well, this morning there was puke all over the floor, the couch was missing, there were pictures drawn all over the wall, there was a chainsaw lodged in the top of my TV set, they'd hogtied Radditz and stuffed him in the linen closet, and I found a note saying that some guy named Rocky had borrowed my refrigerator for a month.I'll have to talk to that Rocky fellow.

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November 10, 1964

Dear Diary,

I got killed by a hermaphrodite today.It was a very interesting tingling sensation.He blew up the planet and stuff.It was pretty, but I'd prefer if he'd done it somewhere else.But, I can't complain, because at the moment I'm having tea and crumpets with Satan.He's a pretty nice guy, once you get to know him.

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So, what'd you think?Pretty random, huh?Review, please!


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